Roadkill coats: "Make it a habit to pick up your rabbit, don't leave him to dry in the sun. For the sake of a garment, recycle your varmint, it's tacky to just hit and run!"

I had a lady ask me what it meant when a cat starts tearin' up the upholstery, sharpens his claws on the Lazy Boy, and all the hair falls off his tail. I said, "Ma'am, that means it's time to get a new cat!"

The vet'inary's laundry can disrupt a married life. It's enough to make you jealous of a truck mechanic's wife!

If one becomes a philosopher by getting a degree in philosophy, what do you call someone with a degree in parasitology...?

One of the greatest feelings in the world is to see a cow loose on the highway...and realize it's not yours!

Excuses to keep an old cow that needs to be culled:

"She'll be as good as new once the hair grows back."

"My sister-in-law had a C-Section and we didn't ship her!"

"I know she's barren, but look at how fat she is."

Because farmers and ranchers choose to work directly with God, we get a closer look at life. We're not insulated from its precarious nature. In return we're exposed to the beautiful sunrise, the smell of rain, the quiet snow and satisfaction of saving a life now and then.

Your dog is so happy to see you whether you're gone 5 minutes or 5 days! Can you think of a single human that is that glad to see you? If you're going to town and forget your keys, when you come back in your dog licks your hand and your spouse says, "I thought you left."

Bad Cow: She'll kick when she can and smash his ol' fingers and never make him a dime. Tear down the corral, get choked in the chute and go out the wrong gate every time!

A genius, smart as a tree full of owls, twenty foot tall with a bulletproof brain, a friend to all of his pals. So just like the story of Jekyll & Hyde, he's a wise man or a clown, a hero of fool, depending on whether the market goes up or down!